Sometimes, you just have to laugh at the absurdity of the world we live in, and when Ms. M.W. sent this one to me in an email, I did laugh, and am still laughing. Sadly, however, my laughter, if previous historically documented habits of the people we're going to be talking about in a moment remain consistent, may be all too true, and if that's the case, then we may be watching the demise of agribusiness, hoist on their own petard. So, follow me here, because for once our high octane speculation really is about to be high, and the results may be kind of fun.

So, what exactly am I talking about? A few weeks ago I blogged about the wonderful business and profit-making opportunities that GMOs, engineered to make designer drugs, might be. Little did I know that our friends at DuPonzanto and Mon(ster)santo were already thinking along similar lines:

Manipulating Marijuana: Monsanto and Syngenta Invest In RNA Interference Technology

Now, just imagine the wonderfully humorous possibilities this sets up. Let's assume a big heartless American agribusiness corporation manages to genetically engineer the World's Best Mary Jane, and, best of all, it's Roundup ready. Having engineered this wonder, its patent lawyers stagger into the US Patent Office to file their corporate patents on the wonder drug of the year, maybe the wonder drug of the century (they're staggering because they've smoked a bit of the stuff, and they're having just a wonderful time). The agents at the patent office accept the filing, and, curious, demand vials of the stuff to test before awarding the patent. Soon, the US Patent Office is stoned silly. Under these circumstances, how could the patent be denied?

At one fell stroke, all current debate about legalizing the substance cease; Congress, high on the stuff itself, passes a sweeping law not only legalizing the stuff, but making only the new GMO blend the Federally-approved Pot of Choice (after all, the FDA, already bought and paid for by the GMO lobby, had but to sample the stuff to recommend sweeping regulatory changes). As the new legislation giggles its way through Congress(imagine Senator McCain actually laughing while he plays poker with a slap-happy Diane Feinstein), it reaches the White House for the President's signature, who assures us that he is inhaling, and that he's sending a 420 of the stuff to Putin "to help the dude chill out."

The Pentagram quickly invents its own chemical weapons version, called the Fuel-Air Reefer Optimum Use Technology (FAROUT), which makes you stoned with the force of a tactical nuke(A project sponsored by DARPA), which is immediately and with Congressional kuddos dropped on Damascus. Fighting ceases.

Everything is going smoothly until...

...the wonder crop is sold to a consortium of Central and South American agribusiness concerns, who in turn sell it to some farmers, who plant it. A few of the stray seeds land in some fields that are not growing GMO Mary Jane, and the fields happen to be owned by Siegfried von Zohenhohenblohenholler y Rodriguez de Corleone, a member of a powerful Hispano-German-Italian mafia family whose German ancestors came to the region shortly after the end of World War Two. Hearing of the illegal plants that they're not getting their royalties from, Mon(ster)santo sends in their spies and lawyers and threatens gigantic international lawsuits and WTO injunctions, and von Zohenhohenblohenholler y Rodriguez de Corleone calls a meeting of the top Capos, and decides to make Mon(ster)santo an offer it cannot refuse: a share in the profits. After a few car bombs and kidnappings of genetic engineers who are forced to work on recreating the crop for the Mob, an agreement is reached and Mon(ster)santo opens corporate offices in Caracas with von Zohenhohenblohenholler y Rodriguez de Corleone as the branch president.

The problem is, folks, that it really is just about that bad.

See you on the flip side.

Posted in

Joseph P. Farrell

Joseph P. Farrell has a doctorate in patristics from the University of Oxford, and pursues research in physics, alternative history and science, and "strange stuff". His book The Giza DeathStar, for which the Giza Community is named, was published in the spring of 2002, and was his first venture into "alternative history and science".


  1. chris on September 17, 2013 at 1:11 am

    Farrrrrrrrout Farrelllllllll Mannnnnnn XD

  2. jedi on September 15, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    great comic relief there doc….sunday cartoon.
    may i humbly suggest coining dupont duponzie…. mooponzie dosent fit but hits the mark..

  3. johnycomelately on September 14, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Designer drugs are a must to compete with the industrious serfs, thanks to the Internet and cheap technology back yard labs and hydroponics (and aeroponics) are cutting into the profit margins of the global Banksters.

    Just as an example the Victorian police fly 11 million dollar Euro Helicopters costing thousands of dollars per hour with infra red cameras over suburban houses looking for hydroponic ‘heat’. And yet the key linchpin dealers who are known to all go untouched.

    I personally had a recent ‘visit’ by detectives with a search warrant because the helicopters (despite hovering over my house for 10 minutes taking pictures) mistook my 1 meter patch of long beans for dope!

  4. Aridzonan_13 on September 14, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    A friend saw Zappa in Austin.. Whilst the waves of pot smoke floated up from the audience, Zappa came to the mic and said “Dope is a plot by the Government to keep young people stupid and w/o ambition.”. FedGov.Inc has sprayed chemicals and cut other illicit drugs with a wide variety of compounds. What else could they do it via the GMO route? They appear to be ready to goto the next level down the rabbit hole.

  5. brian on September 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    This Jon Stewart report really helps clear up much of the confusion and misunderstandings surrounding GMO patent issues and lawsuits:

  6. marcos toledo on September 14, 2013 at 11:43 am

    The problem is the big six agribusiness intend to do to Marijuana what they did to Opium and Coco. Turn them into deadly killer products like Alcohol and Tobacco and make killer profits from it also keep criminalize the natural organic Marijuana. By the way there is on the website today 09/14/2013two articles on Agent Orange and it’s continuing effects on the people of Vietnam brought to them by Monsanto it fits in a way with the article from Cannabis Culture website.

  7. Jon on September 14, 2013 at 11:27 am

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. Sounds like Monsanto is a “slow learner.” The whole GMO to control the wolrd thing just blew up in their face, and now they want to try it again?

    I think they will find that criminal cartels (real ones, not the Monday mornnig quarterback stuff they do) react in a far less civil manner.

    Cartels already fight over hybrid strains of the plant, and Monstupido getting into the mix will certainly make it a more interesting fight.

    Of course, there is precious little difference between corporations and drug cartels . . . they are probably on each other’s board of directors.

    They are probably positioning themselves to try and benefit from the rise of pot as medicine. Now that they have found it combats cancer, they have to put a leash on it, as well as create a poisonous version to kill the unsuspecting.

    It may also be part of the “retrenchment” plan – pull profits away from the drug cartels and give it to the Wall Street cartels. Oh, wait, they’re the same folks . . . .

    Kind of reminds me of Richard Nixon appearing on Laugh-In trying to look “hip,” (showing my age here) – pathetic and out of context.

  8. shockandawe on September 14, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Best part…… “Siegfried von Zohenhohenblohenholler y Rodriguez de Corleone, a member of a powerful Hispano-German-Italian mafia family…” !!!!!



    as the name wafts through the green hills with the sound of music

  9. Robert Barricklow on September 14, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Unles, of course, you’ve copped the new designer drug that stops the high(or the one that enhances the high). Or you’ve been engineered to resist GMOs. Or, …the market is so full of enhancements & counter antidotes, that you’d need a degree in this new field of highs, enhancements & countermeasures(not to mention counterfeits), and the like – to navigate through it. It’s the beginning of a fantastic voyage where getting out alive, is not the objective. It’s getting out human.
    In fact, you can pick up the latest virtual-reality game that helps you train yourself to remain human(unless, of course, it’s a Borg counterfeit).

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