(Play Looney Tunes Cartoon Theme Song Here).
Just when I thought it was safe, and that the scientific buffoonery and quackery of the GMO-"agribusiness" "industry" couldn't possibly become any loonier, insane, psychopathic, narcissistic or just plain nutz, a reader of this website, Mr. A.F. sent me this article, which just about says it all. Not to be outdone by their former colonies, the British have their own unique contribution to GMO insanity:
Yes, you read all that correctly, scientists are now spraying pesticides laced with scorpion venom on a cabbage field in Oxfordshire, where Oxford University professors are the (cabbage-)heads of the Institute of Virology, assuring us that all is completely safe and there's nothing to worry about,prompting me to ask the question, Did they study at Cambridge or Harvard, I wonder?
Anyway.... uh huh. We've heard all of it before.
Now, beyond the obvious stupidity and insanity now apparently gripping all of Oxfordshire, including its celebrated University of the Old Fiend (to give it the nickname my colleague and fellow Old Fiend alumnus Dr Scott D deHart coined for it), there are a number of obvious problems here. The GMO "industry" has been rapidly trying to distance itself from its own bought-and-paid-for pseudo-science over the GMO relationship to honey bee colony collapse disorder, and has as yet to address the growing studies indicating falling crop yields for GMO-only farmers. One wonders exactly how plants sprayed with scorpion venom will impact honey bee populations, vital to the Earth's food supply. After all, if they can affect caterpillars, might they not also be able to affect other insects? Apparently they don't care in Oxfordshire.
One can, however, speculate in our high octane fashion that some billionaire busybody will sponsor a foundation-paid for "study" of how to genetically engineer scorpion venom into all sorts of plants - tomatos, apples, oranges, potatos, carrots - and even pharmaceutical drugs - call it Scorpial or Scorpimethamene - and the next thing we know the chimerical half-human half-billionaire monsters Mon(ster)santo, Synkrudda, Duponzanto and a host of other agribusiness giants will be incorporating it into their next witches' brew of GMO seeds. That way, one won't have to spray fields with scorpion venom, the plants will "naturally" produce it themselves!
So herewith my modest suggestion of the day: first, for your Boxing Day Dinners, I suggest all scientists sit down to a nice meal of GMO plants and meats prepared and thoroughly sprayed with this pesticide and its scorpion venom. Bon appetite! I would include in this modest proposal all billionaire busybodies who have foundations backing the GMO enterprise: you know who you are, so step right up, and get your scorpion venom (and get vaccinated too). Similarly, I also suggest that Oxfordshire could have been spared the enormous expense of spraying its cabbage fields with scorpion venom, and other venues might have been much more suitable for the tests in any case (Cambridgeshire, for example). A Cambridgeshire test would have had the added public relations benefit of having the Royal Stamp of Approval for Veggies with Scorpion Sauce. Finally, why bother with inventing a pesticide at all? If the caterpillar problem in Oxfordshire or Cambridgeshire is that big, why not drop millions of scorpions on the counties instead? It's considerably less expensive than engineering a pesticide with the venom, and in no time at all, the pesky caterpillars will be dealt with, the crops will be safe, and the populations of Oxfordshire and Cambridgeshire will suffer only minor inconvenience. If the scorpion-dropping program should prove successful, then it could be expanded to include all of the Midlands, East Anglia, Kent, and so on, again, with minor inconvenience to the British population.This could also be billed as an international economic stimulus, since the American southwest would be provided much needed jobs rounding up the millions of scorpions needed to blanket the British Isles, and Amerika would have a new product to export to aid its sagging balance of trade. After a few days, and with proper instruction from the BBC on how to check one's socks and shoes each day before putting them on, the British population will adapt with their customary aplomb to the minor inconvenience of millions of curved tails with stingers, and over time, new cuisines will be developed, greatly enhancing the British diet and its poor international cuisine reputation: bangers, mash, and scorpions, fish and tails, will be the order of the day.
Insane? Yes. But no more insane than the actual reality.
See you on the flip side...